The Written Word

Chapter I: The Zero-Sum Variable

[Perspective: Jay] 

The air in the valley always tasted like dust just before the heat of September set in. I stood on the cracked asphalt outside the local convenience store, the strap of my canvas backpack cutting a sharp line across my shoulder. Inside it were two entirely different worlds: three heavy, pristine textbooks on network architecture and Python programming, and a single, battered black notebook held together by a rubber band, thick with ink and loose pages of poetry.

My hands were shoved deep into the pockets of a brand-new dark jacket, something I bought online to look less like a kid from a small town and more like someone who belonged in a city tech program. It felt stiff. It felt like someone else’s skin.

Just code, I told myself, staring down the long, empty highway where the regional transit bus would appear any minute. It’s just a clean install. Reformat the drive. Erase the quiet kid who sits in the back of the class. Compile someone new. A shadow shifted to my left.

I didn't turn my head quickly, the new version of me wouldn't do that, but my chest tightened anyway. I knew the cadence of her footsteps before I even saw the worn canvas shoes or the strap of her middle school backpack. Elaine.

Because of our families, we couldn't be seen together. If my father saw us, or if her brothers caught wind of it, the fragile peace of the neighborhood would shatter. So, she didn't stop. She just slowed her pace as she neared the shadow of the bus shelter, keeping her eyes fixed on the pavement ahead, pretending she was just a girl walking to the regional middle school down the road.

"Jay," she murmured, her voice barely carrying over the idle hum of a truck parked across the street.

"Hey," I replied, keeping my eyes fixed on the horizon, though every instinct I had begged me to look at her.

Moonlight

Darkness fell the last time I saw you
a cold breeze against my skin.
The fear to never see you again,
Made my head spin. 

Will a feeble memory hold me?
Will a feeble memory sustain my love?
Will my limited power
Bring a miracle from above? 

If that was the last time
We end up seeing each other.
The last time I hold you near.
The last time love in my heart
Happens to appear.
The last time my mind functions
And I’m able to think this clear. 

Moon light hear my plea.
Let many nights like this be.
When love still flies around me so free.
When magic is endless like the sea
And I get to hold her next to me.

A veces 

Aun a veces pretendo que me llamas
Me dices que me extrañas
Que quieres verme y me amas.
Te respondo que no te preocupes
Que soy responsable y eh madurado
Que soy padre de familia y todo está muy bien.
Que los niños aun te extrañan y también te aman.
El altar de muertos ellos lo hicieron y ahí van y te hablan. 

Y aunque a veces la pistola llama mi nombre
Y me dice que me puede llevar a verte
Recuerdo tu sonrisa y tus besos
Cuando me decías ‘contigo hasta la muerte’
Y aun que mis ojos no te vean y mis manos no te toquen
Tu amor esta presente y cada día más fuerte.
Y se que llegara el día
En que vuelva a encontrarte.

Last Letter

I promised that day I would never lie to you again,
so I apologized if by being honest I cause you more pain.
I was not where I told you I did not do what I said,
now I feel awful I wish I was dead, but that’s not the case.
I won’t take that way out here I put myself for judging
here I write what I am about. 

I always wrote about love and sadness
I always wrote about loving forever
about being loyal and honest
that I wouldn’t hurt you, ever.
I was not drunk, I was not high
I got tempted and didn’t fight back
the will to live forever, to stay true to myself I lacked.
I took this woman to my place, flirt till we got in the sack.
I didn’t think about our meeting I didn’t think about you.
For once in my life I ignored everything about honesty I knew.
I got lost in those minutes I got lost in everything I had lied,
I didn’t think about anything about how I had made you cried.
I never thought that call right after, was to tell me you had died. 

Curse you life for this punishment, curse her for telling me her name.
My life should have being taken for I am the only one to blame,
I am the one who got lost I am the one who started that game.
It’s me who has failed my teachings and my believes
It’s me who offended you making you walk near those thieves,
It’s me the one who cheated, my body should be the one covered in leaves. 

To live forever in pain, it’s the punishment I was given.
Tormented for my decision, my actions and my words.
Now I understand my vision; of me getting injured with my sword,
When I was calling for help but my voice was ignored.
It was me hurting myself for ignoring my own mind
For not paying attention for acting as if I was blind. 

Now I understand my vision, that says I need to kill myself
That says I have failed who I loved most that says life,
It’s too good for me that I don’t deserve to live it,
For being so cruel that day. So here are my last words
Before I pull the trigger, or pull out my pocket knife...
Sorry son for not showing up that day, and I am sorry,
For killing my wife.

Mystery

I often talk about you
like I know you, but it’s not true.
I know I’ve made the wrong choices in life
and with those choices, life your name to a side blew
pain and sadness were so clear
and suddenly noticed that nothing at all is new
I noticed I’m not really special
and what I have to say everyone else already knew
perhaps I lost too much time
I lost your face’s image from my heart’s view

My heart aches in pain and fear
looking everywhere trying to find you
if this truly isn’t suffering
I’ve still many times for you cried
I’ve faced some fears thinking you have left my side
thinking all those wonderful words
were from someone who has lied
why understand that big mystery
only after you’ve died.
Much like your child leaving home
their actions still cause you pain and pride
so tell me father...
Have I been a good son?
Can I now go by your side?