Insecurities (verse challenge)

Ken’s verses (Ken’s Twitter)

I’m too fat, i’m too skinny, i’m too dark, i’m too pale
Am I worth it? Am I cool? Can I pass? Will I fail?
I see my own reflection and I just can’t stand the sight
I know that life’s a battle, but i’m giving up in this fight

These insecurities around me are like imaginary walls
That I put up myself, because I love the way I fall
With no regard to beauty, I just hate myself
This cage of insecurity is my private little hell

 

 

Mr Magoo’s Verse (That’s me) ūüėÄ

I am he you wish you could be, I talk to those you can’t even see
I am your wishing start at night, and I make your day bright.
I make the seeds grow, rain clouds, here and there I blow,
If you knew what I know, and saw the world move this slow.
Your fears would disappear, I am sure of that my dear.
I don’t worry about dying, I never¬†fail on what I’m trying
If I put my mind to it, you can see the benefit…
Everything I am and have, you lack. And now, there is not going back.

It all started with a Journal…

At some point in my life I stopped telling what I really felt and think to those around me since they all seemed unable to keep it to themselves. From my family members to my friends. What I once told my wife at some point has now been used to manipulate me or torture me one way or another. What I told those I dated and trusted was used to ridicule me and doubt me.

Whenever I’ve felt stuck in life… that endless sadness, desperation, emptiness and impotence… poetry, literature and my journals have come to the rescue.
When I decided to write a new novel last year about a 30yr old¬†lost man¬†trying to find himself, I didn’t think it would lead me to do the same soul searching and analogy on myself. When I felt on a good place in life and wondered what one might do if they were in a worse situation both morally, emotionally and career wise. The story begun raising and pointing some ideas and questions that I never thought of asking myself. This lead me to start searching deep within my mind for answers and memories I thought lost, realizing I could sometimes recall those memories but some times I couldn’t, led me to start listening when people would call me on my odd behavior, something I did, which I thought was not something I should have done. ¬†After logging in my thoughts, my fears, what was happening in my life and my response to that and going back to it, I saw a complete chaos on ideas, identities and believes. I stopped calling my attitude weird and recognized what it truly was; Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

Thinking back to before the idea to write the story and now…¬†I’ve accomplish a lot on my self discovery and path in life thanks to that random idea of writing about someone being down, when I thought I was doing so well, perhaps deep down I knew something was wrong and with writing being the easiest way for me to express myself, it now seems like a logical choice I should have done years ago. The only time¬†is late to try and become better, or learn to know yourself is when you have no more time in this crazy beautiful world. While there is time, get a journal and write your heart out to know yourself. Don’t keep your¬†monsters locked in your chest… Learn to live with them freely, accepting what you have and what you don’t. Pick your best traits and work on those you lack on until you are the person you truly want to be.

Monsters behind you

Players (verse challenge)

On our random subjects Ken and I have decided to take a go at Players in the dating scene type of players.  Since I was the one to come up with the subject.

My verse goes first:

Looking back to my notebook I see the picture I drew
the notes of that amazing night and your panties, bright blue
was it all necessary, through all this, did you have to put me through
was I a game, and you the player, according to you?

I confided in you my fears, my hopes and my dreams
you became the beach to my endless sea
you became the fruit, to my life tree
you are the only who has ever said understands me
but all those¬†lies from you ¬†I couldn’t see, and I ignored my mind’s plea.
I thought you were priceless, when your touch and lips one gets for free.

 

Ken’s verses (Ken’s Twitter)

Call me a fucking player, i say i’m juggling hearts
You say its so repulsive but to me its cunning art
No one ever admits how being alone’s the hardest part
Prosthetic feelings are built to hide the mess we really are

Maybe its a self-defense or maybe a pleasure spot
so baby don’t look so upset now that you know i got
another hot ho with not clothes, waiting in her bed
for me to come over, as i remember what mama said

“This world’s an ice cream shop and all the girls are all the flavors
so son, make sure you try ’em all and find the one you savor
and when you find the one for sure you stay loyally to it
but until then, just please be safe every time you do it”

Player

Misunderstanding (Verse Challenge)

What Ken Says: (Ken’s Twitter)

I mistook a pot of gold for a piece of shit
I misread your perfect smile for a love I’ll never get
I fucked up again, couldn’t read between the lines
felt face first again, but I guess that it’s all right
I’m so lost I can’t tell apart the lies and the truth
but its a beautiful pain to hurt myself just to be with you
I got the wind on my face, and alcohol on my veins
paradise is just a thread apart but it feels so far away.

 

This is what I say…

So much to say, the text message arrives in sections
a conversation so long the phone signal is lost
So many personalities a tv series I could host
so many misunderstandings losing you has been the cost.
Do I blame me, myself, or I for all this suffering?
regardless of everything, leaving you my mind never crossed
You got to see some of us, we were so great you felt in love
you said it was true love, thus why only five minutes can last.

Verse Challenge (Life’s Choices)

My Verses

 

As darkness falls and the world lays silent
I can’t avoid to hear and follow¬†their voices
shadows, rain clouds, trees and rocks
show me constantly their angry faces.
My life succumbs to temptation and the stress
does nothing but lead me to another crisis.
Should I even complain or seek help
If I can’t deal with my own Life’s Choices?

 

Ken’s verses (Ken’s Twitter)

Maybe I should chop my dick off and get fake boobs
that way I can stop putting effort and I’ll leave that to you
Maybe I should kill myself, come back and blow up a church
just to hear the cop say “Sir we have a warrant to search”
Maybe I should follow the rules and just do as you say
rape and abuse me, brand me, I’ll be your slave
Or maybe I’ll give a flying fuck and go live free
Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do,¬†be all you can be

Colette

About decade ago
A beautiful girl I met
but At that time
I had the wrong mind set.
Years later I saw her again
But her love I didn’t think I could get
She hugged me and smiled
And a happier feeling, I haven’t felt yet.
To be closer to you
I would trade places with your pet.
There is no one better than you,
And to that, I could bet.
You are the best… Colette

Copyright ©2015 Jahaziel E Magana

This poem is one of the poems I wrote while working on my poetry book "Stuck in Life" but decided to leave out of the book. I’ve found that when I have a person’s name as a title, people tend to get the wrong concept as why one would write such a piece.

I have always found the name Colette and the women I’ve met with that name quite interesting and beautiful, one day the name popped in my mind and this was the result…

DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Going back to what has been in my life. There have always been 3 different personalities or 3 characters that I’m ¬†aware have helped me overcome some of the life challenges, as well as being the cause of my downfall of¬†some of my relationships and at some point priceless friendships to end. I have never thought that being a problem or thought it was a challenge or anything like that. After all, we are told to behave different according to where we are. We cannot have the same behavior at home as we do at school, sometimes even our believes need to stay at home also… Or so is what I’ve experienced,¬†but what exactly am I talking about?

Called Multiple Personality Disorder until 1994,¬†Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which at least two distinct identities, or personality states, are present in‚ÄĒand alternately take control of‚ÄĒan individual (OMG, I knew people get possessed. This is proof the Illuminati exist… lol). The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

I don’t¬†think is so much as memory loss, but rather memories misplacement, after all those memories are still somewhere stored there, just you will find them with whatever character is the one to have experienced them.

Explaining how the mind works is never easy, but as one can best explain what is happening. When I sat down daily to write down or record what is happening with me emotionally, is when I got to the conclusion or realization that I didn’t have a tendency to change my pastime and what activity I loved the most, but instead I was dealing with¬†personas¬†showing¬†their own self-image, behaviors, ¬†and even name.

Although, I do not have everything figured out, and maybe I never get to have it all down, I think is important to finally recognized couple things in my life. First of all¬†since¬†the transition or transformation¬†from one identity to another are often triggered by psychosocial stress, there might be¬†ways to minimize how often it happens if ¬†good strategies to deal with stress are implemented. And second, now I know I have never been talking alone all this time… lol, more like my alters have been having conversations with themselves. Lastly, is true sometimes you might get more than you bargained for, in this instance I like to think is more of you get X amount for the price of 1. LOL

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

 

You could find some more read on this subject from:
Psychology Today
WebMD
Wikipedia

Visuals always inspire Music

Ken Ueda

I’ve had the chance to work with Ken in some of the writing ¬†challenges¬†¬†of two verses or random subjects a few times now. It is always fun to have someone you can understand at a creative level.¬†Since he has the talent to achieve his dream of becoming a rockstar, I figured we also do a photo session and get him the ¬†portrait/cover he can benefit from.

Can toys help you express yourself?

It’s been some time now that I have been trying to post some pictures in Instagram¬†using only Legos. I started with the lego figures I would randomly find that my kids lost somewhere or had misplaced, then eventually I got fond of some figures and decided to get some of my own. ūüėÄ Since I’ve manged to keep my mind occupied on something when I am stressing out, and need some relieve. Taking couple snaps sometimes is all I need to keep on. Here are some of my favorite shots since I started

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Who wastes time writing this…

Hello… I am a legion of ideas and Personas, but my name is Jahaziel. I am a poet in search of life’s light and happiness. I have written 3 poetry books up to date. I wish to write a novel and hopefully I have the opportunity to do so in the near future.

For my own sake, I am now writing a bit more on my opinions on life and my journey on finding happiness, since life is too short and my memory scattered and unavailable most of the time. I figured if I keep my thoughts, believes and experiences saved somewhere other than my mind, perhaps they can come in handy for my kids in the future or someone else might benefit from what someone like myself can and is able to say. The world is full of colors, beauty, dangers and is constantly changing. Like the world I think my life, my opinions, my views, my persona seems to change but when viewed in detail one can see that not much really changes with the world itself, but is our surrounding that is constantly changing. We can either feed the beast inside us, or become the food being fed by the beast around us.

 

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