If you can say your name is Anne, then I can say I’m Stan
You were my biggest Fan, you even made the name for my clan
‘for you I’ll do anything I can’… for your band I bought this new van
Little did I know to have a kid, you had this elaborate plan.
Shit… I’m just a pawn on your chest board, what is this? Death comes when your lips someone kiss, my mind broken in your games and racist bliss
was I the only dumb motherfucker who you were able to pieces chop?
I gotta release some anger so some weight from my soul I can drop,
you used me and abused me, until that baby out you popped,
didn’t take you long to hate me, and being my fan you stopped.
You damn whore, you’re a disgrace to women all around, kicking someone when they are down, acting like a clown, but expecting people to treat you like you’re wearing a crown. We should throw you out of this town, should I build your new house under ground?
Oh my Stan… From this boat.. you look so handsome while you drown
This sick world calls you a psycho girl, but to me you’re the motherfucking Mona Lisa And the exact Same world that labels you crazed is inflicting me pain that you’re my only anesthesia You’re always cornered and chained always being played you’re that left out stray that nobody saves But in our world where we’re filled with hate, lies, and Gore If you put two loners together, we aren’t loners no more
Let them call you psycho, we’ll watch as they laugh But when they think that they’re safe that’s when we attack Be my psycho girl and I’ll be your crazy boy We’ll hold hands and laugh as we watch the world get destroyed
You say no one in this world wants you in their team So fuck `em all come start a team with me
Let’s go for the cliche of us against the world
When everybody hates you, I’ll love you my psycho girl.
How do I tell you girl, that you got me so hooked and all it took was one look
I’m having withdrawals like a former junkie, painful thoughts that haunt me, Its all set cause your flight is now booked
How many times will you get me to say, either im crazy or your laugh is as addictive as cocaine
Not have you is more an itch than a pain, like using a feather to tickle my fucking brain
I’m fucked up and neurotic and your kiss is the perfect toxic I’m a hate-breading parasite come as you are cause you’re my antibiotic I have to suppress all the guilt cause you go for the kill, I’m stuck in a coma but without you i’m ill You love how I bleed and i love how you plead, I’m trapped in your cell but you’re chained to my feet
So this is how we go down… Its a point where I cant breathe without you around I hate to say it but I think i’m in love Im sick as a maggot and you’re as beautiful as a dove
I stood with you and you abandoned me when I needed you the most
I accepted your failures, fears and thoughts, yet you thought mine were Gross.
While I deal now with your ghost, let me do the last line in your name as a toast,
you were miles from the slim figure post, but you were my happiness daily dose.
My sadness has turned into anger, and my anger now is pure rage
your bud can’t keep me forever on this love cage, my life is ending I’m of old age
yet I still have to deal with your memories, can’t seem to ever turn that page.
One to the three, three to the one, this is my last line
you won’t ever hear me whine because you stopped being mine
on the contrary all this I now decline, my life without you has turned just fine.
Let me give you one last sign that can crawl up your spine
I have 10 personalities with no memory of you, if one does I’ll kill it and make one new, cuz you are the worst, and the only thing in my life I wish I never knew.
Standing tall and proud I’ve challenge the will of god,
Can’t I be my own ruler, can’t I make my own choice?
Must you show your power with this divine intervention
must you put an end to my voice?
Nature pours its rain on me, my family disowned me
My wife left, my son despise me and I lost my home
you showed your might to the watchers, you saw Egypt Fall
you brought Greece down and crumbled Rome.
I’m just a mere peasant, yet you’ve put me in this dome
Either help me move on so I can catch my breath, or forsake me and let me enjoy death.
Are you telling me that I look like I could use some help? How about you shut your mouth and just go fuck yourself? You’ve always called me a low-life parasite disease for that I’ve felt like an alien since the day I learned to breathe
It doesn’t matter what I say, or at all what to do It’s all the fucking same with you I’ll always lose I think I’ll take that help, I’ll take it now full proof A divine intervention to get the fuck away from you
Finally the big day arrived for Miah and Ian, on a beautiful day in San Jose, I managed to cover both the church and party. Delicious food, awesome company, and beautiful memories come together to celebrate the baptism for Miah and Ian.
See the entire gallery online
I’m too fat, i’m too skinny, i’m too dark, i’m too pale Am I worth it? Am I cool? Can I pass? Will I fail? I see my own reflection and I just can’t stand the sight I know that life’s a battle, but i’m giving up in this fight
These insecurities around me are like imaginary walls That I put up myself, because I love the way I fall With no regard to beauty, I just hate myself This cage of insecurity is my private little hell
Mr Magoo’s Verse (That’s me) 😀
I am he you wish you could be, I talk to those you can’t even see
I am your wishing start at night, and I make your day bright.
I make the seeds grow, rain clouds, here and there I blow,
If you knew what I know, and saw the world move this slow.
Your fears would disappear, I am sure of that my dear.
I don’t worry about dying, I never fail on what I’m trying
If I put my mind to it, you can see the benefit…
Everything I am and have, you lack. And now, there is not going back.
At some point in my life I stopped telling what I really felt and think to those around me since they all seemed unable to keep it to themselves. From my family members to my friends. What I once told my wife at some point has now been used to manipulate me or torture me one way or another. What I told those I dated and trusted was used to ridicule me and doubt me.
Whenever I’ve felt stuck in life… that endless sadness, desperation, emptiness and impotence… poetry, literature and my journals have come to the rescue.
When I decided to write a new novel last year about a 30yr old lost man trying to find himself, I didn’t think it would lead me to do the same soul searching and analogy on myself. When I felt on a good place in life and wondered what one might do if they were in a worse situation both morally, emotionally and career wise. The story begun raising and pointing some ideas and questions that I never thought of asking myself. This lead me to start searching deep within my mind for answers and memories I thought lost, realizing I could sometimes recall those memories but some times I couldn’t, led me to start listening when people would call me on my odd behavior, something I did, which I thought was not something I should have done. After logging in my thoughts, my fears, what was happening in my life and my response to that and going back to it, I saw a complete chaos on ideas, identities and believes. I stopped calling my attitude weird and recognized what it truly was; Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
Thinking back to before the idea to write the story and now… I’ve accomplish a lot on my self discovery and path in life thanks to that random idea of writing about someone being down, when I thought I was doing so well, perhaps deep down I knew something was wrong and with writing being the easiest way for me to express myself, it now seems like a logical choice I should have done years ago. The only time is late to try and become better, or learn to know yourself is when you have no more time in this crazy beautiful world. While there is time, get a journal and write your heart out to know yourself. Don’t keep your monsters locked in your chest… Learn to live with them freely, accepting what you have and what you don’t. Pick your best traits and work on those you lack on until you are the person you truly want to be.
On our random subjects Ken and I have decided to take a go at Players in the dating scene type of players. Since I was the one to come up with the subject.
My verse goes first:
Looking back to my notebook I see the picture I drew
the notes of that amazing night and your panties, bright blue
was it all necessary, through all this, did you have to put me through
was I a game, and you the player, according to you?
I confided in you my fears, my hopes and my dreams
you became the beach to my endless sea
you became the fruit, to my life tree
you are the only who has ever said understands me
but all those lies from you I couldn’t see, and I ignored my mind’s plea.
I thought you were priceless, when your touch and lips one gets for free.
Call me a fucking player, i say i’m juggling hearts You say its so repulsive but to me its cunning art No one ever admits how being alone’s the hardest part Prosthetic feelings are built to hide the mess we really are
Maybe its a self-defense or maybe a pleasure spot so baby don’t look so upset now that you know i got another hot ho with not clothes, waiting in her bed for me to come over, as i remember what mama said
“This world’s an ice cream shop and all the girls are all the flavors so son, make sure you try ’em all and find the one you savor and when you find the one for sure you stay loyally to it but until then, just please be safe every time you do it”
I mistook a pot of gold for a piece of shit I misread your perfect smile for a love I’ll never get I fucked up again, couldn’t read between the lines felt face first again, but I guess that it’s all right I’m so lost I can’t tell apart the lies and the truth but its a beautiful pain to hurt myself just to be with you I got the wind on my face, and alcohol on my veins paradise is just a thread apart but it feels so far away.
This is what I say…
So much to say, the text message arrives in sections
a conversation so long the phone signal is lost
So many personalities a tv series I could host
so many misunderstandings losing you has been the cost.
Do I blame me, myself, or I for all this suffering?
regardless of everything, leaving you my mind never crossed
You got to see some of us, we were so great you felt in love
you said it was true love, thus why only five minutes can last.
As darkness falls and the world lays silent
I can’t avoid to hear and follow their voices
shadows, rain clouds, trees and rocks
show me constantly their angry faces.
My life succumbs to temptation and the stress
does nothing but lead me to another crisis.
Should I even complain or seek help
If I can’t deal with my own Life’s Choices?
Maybe I should chop my dick off and get fake boobs that way I can stop putting effort and I’ll leave that to you Maybe I should kill myself, come back and blow up a church just to hear the cop say “Sir we have a warrant to search” Maybe I should follow the rules and just do as you say rape and abuse me, brand me, I’ll be your slave Or maybe I’ll give a flying fuck and go live free Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do, be all you can be
About decade ago
A beautiful girl I met
but At that time
I had the wrong mind set.
Years later I saw her again
But her love I didn’t think I could get
She hugged me and smiled
And a happier feeling, I haven’t felt yet.
To be closer to you
I would trade places with your pet.
There is no one better than you,
And to that, I could bet.
You are the best… Colette
This poem is one of the poems I wrote while working on my poetry book "Stuck in Life"but decided to leave out of the book. I’ve found that when I have a person’s name as a title, people tend to get the wrong concept as why one would write such a piece.
I have always found the name Colette and the women I’ve met with that name quite interesting and beautiful, one day the name popped in my mind and this was the result…