At some point in my life I stopped telling what I really felt and think to those around me since they all seemed unable to keep it to themselves. From my family members to my friends. What I once told my wife at some point has now been used to manipulate me or torture me one way or another. What I told those I dated and trusted was used to ridicule me and doubt me.
Whenever I’ve felt stuck in life… that endless sadness, desperation, emptiness and impotence… poetry, literature and my journals have come to the rescue.
When I decided to write a new novel last year about a 30yr old lost man trying to find himself, I didn’t think it would lead me to do the same soul searching and analogy on myself. When I felt on a good place in life and wondered what one might do if they were in a worse situation both morally, emotionally and career wise. The story begun raising and pointing some ideas and questions that I never thought of asking myself. This lead me to start searching deep within my mind for answers and memories I thought lost, realizing I could sometimes recall those memories but some times I couldn’t, led me to start listening when people would call me on my odd behavior, something I did, which I thought was not something I should have done. After logging in my thoughts, my fears, what was happening in my life and my response to that and going back to it, I saw a complete chaos on ideas, identities and believes. I stopped calling my attitude weird and recognized what it truly was; Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
Thinking back to before the idea to write the story and now… I’ve accomplish a lot on my self discovery and path in life thanks to that random idea of writing about someone being down, when I thought I was doing so well, perhaps deep down I knew something was wrong and with writing being the easiest way for me to express myself, it now seems like a logical choice I should have done years ago. The only time is late to try and become better, or learn to know yourself is when you have no more time in this crazy beautiful world. While there is time, get a journal and write your heart out to know yourself. Don’t keep your monsters locked in your chest… Learn to live with them freely, accepting what you have and what you don’t. Pick your best traits and work on those you lack on until you are the person you truly want to be.